So I have ‘fear of being seen’. You might be thinking: what does that even mean? It means I feel uncomfortable bumping into people I know, I feel uncomfortable posting what I am doing on social media and overall discomfort for people knowing personal details about me.

It’s not something I can simply get over by opting for the ‘delusional’ mindset; as seen on social media. It’s not something I can get over using the philosophy of popular self-esteem boosting influencers like Wizard Liz and Tam Kaur. I appreciate this new genre of female self-esteem boosting influencers, I have benefited greatly from them but when it comes to my ‘fear of being seen’ it couldn’t be healed by simply engaging with this content. It’s simply not that easy.

‘Fear of being seen’, in essence is a self-esteem issue. Navigating healthy self-esteem is a challenge because it’s strongly stitched to your personality and who you are. When you struggle with self-esteem, often you struggle knowing who you are and you struggle to trust yourself.

But recently I realised something that allowed me to heal a part of this insecurity! (Yay!) I realised that this ‘fear’ represents two things; the first is that I have this ‘fear’ when I am ‘seen’ being authentic and the second is that I have this ‘fear’ when I am acting inauthentically.

I was fully aware of the first reason I had this fear, but it is that second reason that is a recent revelation to me. I know it might sound confusing, there is a nuanced difference. Perhaps a metaphor might clarify your confusions: the first can be represented by putting on a dress you love but as soon you catch people’s judgmental stares for the dress you feel uncomfortable. The second can be represented by putting on blue jeans, because that’s what’s hot in fashion right now, but you feel uncomfortable being seen wearing those blue jeans – but why? that is what is cool and trendy right? but deep down what you don’t realise is that jeans are not for you, you’re more of a skirts person – that is who you are meant to be!

This second reason has shown me that sometimes when I feel uncomfortable being seen, it is a sign I’m not acting in a way my heart wants to. My ‘fear of being seen’ has been transformed into a superpower, showing me my true self – it is helping me understand who I am and who I really want to be.

Now so far this article has been quite theoretical, so I think I ought to show you some examples of this superpower in practice:

Once upon a time, I found it very difficult to post my academic and career-based achievements on LinkedIn – I found this hugely uncomfortable, it felt exposing and almost humiliating. However, recently I realised that discomfort arose from the fact I was not actually doing things I really really wanted to do. I may have had some super cool achievements, however I had no pride in them – I simply did not care. Not only that, I felt uncomfortable bragging about them on LinkedIn. Originally I thought this painful discomfort was from not feeling comfortable with proud but I then realised that it was a discomfort with inauthenticity. The projects I have been putting myself up for these past few years are not really things I loved doing they are things I thought I was supposed to be doing.

I realised everything I should do in life, including academics and career should come from a place of enjoyment and fulfilment. When I started thinking about things I could do for the career I really wanted, honestly I can really see myself being very comfortable with posting on LinkedIn. Not giving a care in the world about how many likes or comments I get, not caring if people judge me.

I recently took off a few experiences off my LinkedIn that I do not completely identify with and you know what I feel a whole lot better!

Our fears, are our bodies ways of survival. However, sometimes that survival is misguided, that’s what creates our social anxiety, dethatched attachments styles and so much more things that harm us from living peacefully. But it’s really cool to realise when my body is doing it’s job in telling me something is wrong!

Now, here is another story to explain my revelation: often I enjoy going out on my own to coffee shops. However, if I recognise someone inside or coming into the shop as I am sat, I immediately feel uncomfortable. The discomfort I feel, is characterised by shame and humiliation. I never fully understood why I felt that way, until I realised I felt embarrassed about being alone – appearing friendless. I realised I was frequenting these coffee shops out of boredom of not socialising, deep down that is what I’d rather be doing!

That’s not to say that I don’t like being by myself or doing activities independently. I 100% love doing things by myself, especially walking. Walking is such a great exercise because it helps you to heal and gets you great fresh air. When I bump into people I know when I am solo walking I never feel embarrassed or a sense of shame. That’s because it is truly something I enjoy doing, it is truly something I want to do for my physical and mental health and therefore it is an activity truly aligned with who I am.

Those solo coffee dates weren’t really as enjoyable as I thought they were, because in truth they were void fillers for enjoyment I really wanted (hanging out with friends & family). I just thought it was something enjoyable because it was a habit and probably because my brain got a bit of a dopamine hit from buying something.

So to conclude, my ‘fear of being seen’ might not completely be healed (yet!), but I hope this revelation has helped you in some way or another because it’s most definitely helped me. I will most definitely keep posting on this ‘fear’, for now stay safe and stay positive.

Lots of love,

That Girl xx